The Game of Plumstones
= Plumstones: The Game = Plumstones is the national pastime of B-Town, presided over by the National, Regional Committee for Plumstone Creation and Sustainment (NRCPCS). Members of the committee are referred to as Plummers and are some of the most highly regarded members of society. His Royal Majesty holds the title Master of the Plumstones and retains the ultimate Birthright Advantage (known as the Plumpest). The committee is headed by the Chancellor for Plumstones Creation and meets every Wednesday to revise the rules and settle any outstanding plumstone disputes. In these cases the Chamberlain acts as Supreme Arbiter of Plumstone Justice (the SAP) and enjoys every minute of his job. Rules and Regulations All plumstone tournaments are in a series of 5 games (chosen by the contestants) from the list of approved plumstones Games. The player of highest birth chooses first. This is called the Birthright Advantage and is a concession to fairness within the world of B-Town. He or she with the highest Birthright Advantage will ultimately discover, on the 5th round, that he gets to pick thrice! … What! The Five Traditional Plumstones Games Plumstones I: Bocce Plumstones Toss your plumstone as close as possible to the middle plumstone. Best out of 5. Your plumstone may come into contact with the middle plumstone. If the middle plumstone moves, reset for the next round. You may cheat by placing your plumstone touching the middle plumstone. However, if you do so, you are a dick. This is a gentlemen's game. Plumstones II: Spin the Plumstone For those who do not read, spin the plumstone. When the plumstone stops, whomever the bottom of the plumstone is pointing to wins. Best out of 5. Cheating is still allowed, but not encouraged. Note: this is the personal favorite of His Royal Majesty. Plumstones III: Guess the Plumstones Guess how many plumstones are in the Lord Chamberlain's hand! This rule applies whether or not the Lord Chamberlain is present. Plumstones IV: Plumstones Battle Royale You have three plumstones. With each of them you attempt to knock the middle plumstone toward your opponent. At the end, whoever is closest to the middle plumstone loses. Plumstones V: Plumstones Golf It's plumstone golf. An independent third party makes the course out of any available materials. Servants count as materials as decided in the seminal court case "His Majesty vs. That-Guy". One hole. Your score is decided by the number of strikes (flicks of the forefinger) it takes to land your plumstone in the hole. The Five Additional Plumstones Games Plumstones VI: Go Plumstone Each player begins with 4 plumstones. There are two plumstones in the middle. You may ask for either a single plumstone, and if your opponent has one, you get one of their plumstones. You may also ask for multiple plumstones, and if you guessed the correct number of plumstones in your opponent's hand you receive all of them. Players may hide any number of Plumstones in their pockets to make guessing the number of plumtones in their hand difficult. It is important to note that, though having no plumstones in your hand is technically allowed, if your opponent correctly guesses no plumstones, you must give 2 plumstones for the correct guess, you sneaky cheat. Should you guess incorrectly and there are no plumstones in the center to draw you must place a plumstone in the center from your own hand. You can ask for something that isn't a plumstone, but that is not recommended. A superceeding goal is to create an absurdist comedy in less than 3 minutes. Plumstones VII: Plumdered! One player leaves the room. They are called the “plumderer.” The other players hide a plumstone somewhere in the room. They are called “stoners.” The stoners then call the plumderer back into the room. The stoners wristivate, popple (go papapa), oculate (create glasses/monocles, depending on the individual's perscription, with thumb and forefinger, waving other fingers as lashes in increasing speeds), olfactory smile (an upward flick on the nose by the fingers), breathe (place your mimed “cigarrette” on your neck, breath in deeply, remove “cigarrette” and sigh audibly) to indicate the plumderer's proximity to the hidden plumastone. The closer the plumderer gets to the hidden plumstone, the quicker and more enthusiastically the stoners practice the standards and customs of B-Town. When the plumderer is right within reaching distance of the hidden plumstone, the stoners all engage in dickums (patting their groinal area with an expression of sublime appreciation). Plumstones VIII: Name that Plumstone A caller names a popular tune or an object. The artist must then write the music or draw the object with plumstones. A dependent third party attempts to guess at the song or object. The artist can double as the caller, if you prefer your games simple and childish and are unable to handle 3 steps. If you are without friends, you may play a solitaire version of this game in which you are both the artist and the guesser. Alternatively, you could use this time more productively by searching for someone who will love even you. All music must be traditional Polish folk tunes. See approved list of songs stored in the B-Town official archive, next to the Institute of Advanced Furnace Construction, which is next to the Institute of Beginner Furnace Construction, which burned down. Plumstones IX: NAPSER (National Association of Plumstone Super Erotic Racing) Dickums is encouraged. A cup is set at an approved distance away from each plumstone driver. A plumline is drawn in the sand an approved distance away from each cup. If you cannot find any sand, send Checkers for some. He will be happy to oblige. On the count of “1, 2, 3, Majesty,” the drivers begin blowing on their plumstones. The first driver to blow their plumstone around the cup and back to the plumline wins. Helmets may be worn in the interest of safety, as this is a high-speed game. Plumstones X: Interpretive Plumstones Just pretend to be a plumstone. The first person to remember that the only option is to be a plumstone shouts “Plumstone!” and wins. The Three Prizes for Winning (Bonusstones) Bonustones I: F@#! you! Classic Edition Throw three plumstone at the loser. F@#! you, loser! Bonustones II: Plumstones Checkers Thow all the plumstones on the floor. Make Checkers pick them up. Everyone wins. This is a plumstones variation in its own right and is found within the special Plumstones: F@#! You! Checkers Edition, available only in Poland. Bonustones III: Plumstones Clue Throw plumstones into Ivona's open mouth. The first one to make her choke and die wins. This player then must say, “I killed Ivona at the banquet with a plumstone!” You may purchase the title Plumstones: Fuck You! Muder Edition from anyone who has met Ivona.